


Your Wings

by eternal_lights



Category: Highlight | Beast (Band)
Genre: Disbandment, Gen, Moving On, OT5, OT6, Reconciliation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-21 12:43:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11357757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternal_lights/pseuds/eternal_lights
Summary: "The road of life is long and hard, and it leads to different places for all of us, but I can guarantee that we all are grateful to have at least walked a little part of it with you."





	Your Wings

**Author's Note:**

> Just something that I've been itching to write for a while.

There were a lot of things Jang Hyunseung regretted doing in his life. Joining Beast was not one of them. Leaving Beast wouldn’t be one of them either.

 

Hyunseung knew this day would come, in fact, he was even eager for it. But now, as he stared down at the thick envelope in his hands, his resolve wavered. He thought back to his training days, the uncertainty and wariness of those years, and then his debut, their debut, the immense relief that came with knowing that his dream was no longer just a possibility. And then their first comeback, their first concert, their first win. And that year, the first break in their bond. The year where everything went south and threatened to never pick up again, which, in hindsight, he guessed it never did. The year they went from brothers to colleagues to strangers.

Hyunseung thought of all this as the papers grew heavier and heavier in his hands, not so sure with his decision anymore.

“I’m giving you this contract one week in advance so you can read it over and draw up negotiations if you so wish. Next week we’ll hold the meeting. I know your decision might have already been made, but… please, Hyunseung, think it over well,” his manager had said.

And he understood. He’d been so focused on what he wanted that he didn’t even think about how it would affect the others. Beast was six after all, not one.

Where would it leave them if he just up and left them?

“Probably better without me around as the deadweight,” he thought bitterly.

The thought made his heart ache. He didn’t want to leave yet, not without fixing things first. And that was what he was going to do.

 

His resolve broke exactly a week later once he entered the room and felt at least five pairs of judgemental eyes settle on him.

“You’re late,” Doojoon pulled his gaze away from him.

His tone was cold, indifferent, and it made Hyunseung feel small. How was he supposed to repair their relationship if it was clear the others wanted nothing to do with him? He hung his head and padded quietly over to the empty seat. As he pulled his contract out of the bad, the discussion resumed around him.

“Anything you would want to negotiate?” their manager asked them.

Hyunseung had nothing to say. The contract had clearly stated renewal, and he had shoved it to the bottom of his bag once he had noticed.

Next to him, Yoseob flipped through his pages.

“Actually, we were thinking…”

He listed changes they wanted to make to the contract. They, meaning the other five, excluding Hyunseung. They knew as much as he did that a renewal was far from what he wanted.

Their managers sat and listened, but didn’t once move to write something down. At the end of the meeting not one change was made.

“We’ll discuss with the higher-ups and get back to you,” they promised as they left the room, leaving Hyunseung alone with his members.

Yoseob groaned.

“They’re never going to consider our demands. We’re stuck with this contract.”

“I mean, we could always… not…” Dongwoon trailed off.

The five of them exchanged glances across the table. An understanding passed between them.

“Are you sure…”

“It’s not like they’re offering…”

“What we want…”

“But what about…”

“I think we already know the answer to that.”

The conversation was filled with half-finished sentences and knowing looks. They seemed to understand each other perfectly. Obviously they’re discussed this before; only Hyunseung was out of the loop. He felt somewhat ashamed that he had fallen so out of touch. This wasn’t any sort of meaningless decision; this was their career, their future. And Hyunseung wasn’t being included.

Around him, the members started to pack up their things. He lifted his head and caught Doojoon’s eye.

“Can we talk?” he mouthed.

Something flashed in the older’s eyes, but he nodded slowly. He waved the others out wordlessly and carefully closed the door behind them. Hyunseung was suddenly aware of how tense the other was.

“We have two choices.”

Doojoon didn’t wait for Hyunseung to ask.

“What?”

“Two choices,” he repeated, “Either we sign that contract, or we leave.”

He still had his hand on the doorknob, his back to Hyunseung.

“Signing means financial security, but the company gets to shut us down if they want to, like they always have. Leaving means starting over, but all the freedom we’ve ever wanted.”

A silence fell.

“Do…” Hyunseung cleared his throat, “Do either of those choices include me?”

Doojoon slowly turned around. They stared at each other.

“If we stay…” he started, “I have to be honest with you, Hyunseung. The company wants you out.”

The younger shook his head.

“I don’t care what the company thinks. I want to know what you think.”

Doojoon pronounced every word slowly.

“I want what’s best for the team. I want us to survive for a long time.”

“And you don’t want to have to lug around a deadweight that’s only going to hold you back,” Hyunseung said softly.

Doojoon sighed but didn’t disagree. He came around the table and sat down next to him.

“Hyunseung, for the past few years, you’ve separated yourself from us. I mean, we’ve always clashed, but we managed to work things out in the end. And now… well, we’ve never been more at odds with each other. Music, choreography, everything. I don’t even know what’s happening in your life. We don’t go out as six anymore, hell, you barely even talk to use when we’re in the same room!” he took a breath and closed his eyes.

His voice dropped to a whisper.

“As selfish as it sounds, as leader… I think Beast can only continue as five. For the sake of the team.”

 

After his conversation with Doojoon, Hyunseung left the meeting room and wandered around the building aimlessly. The older had looked apologetic after telling him what was essentially the truth, so Hyunseung stopped him before he could get a sorry out.

“It’s okay.”

As hard as it was to hear, he felt like a weight had been lifted from his shoulders.

He found himself pushing in the door of an empty dance studio. He stepped into the darkness of the room and fumbled around for a while, his hands dragging on the walls as they tried to find the light switch. Once they did, he squinted against the sudden brightness. As his eyes struggled to adjust, memories came flooding back. Here, in this very practice room, they learned the dance to their debut song. Here, they sang their hearts out until their voices became hoarse. Here, they practiced until the mirrors fogged up. Here, they laughed until they cried, until six different dreams merged to make one path, one they promised to walk on forever.

The ghosts of his memories danced before him. He blinked, and they were gone.

 

The sound of the door opening knocked Hyunseung out of his dancing reverie. Through the bangs hanging in front of his eyes, clumped with sweat, he could see Kikwang, frozen with his hand on the door handle. They observed each other for a moment, Kikwang with uncertainty drawing his features together; Hyunseung, panting and at a loss for words.

Their last practice together had been ages ago, the memory of it was already blurring at the edges. Hyunseung could remember the same difficulties they had then that they had now, the hesitancy and begrudging respect for each other’s dance styles but contempt all the same, and the mutual decision to keep their mouths shut, even if the same thought plagued their minds. They didn’t match. They would never be able to work in harmony; their ideas were too different. Were they even a team if they couldn’t agree on the simple sweeping movement of a hand, Kikwang with grace, Hyunseung with charisma? It was hard then, it was even harder now, especially with the expanse of time and separation between them.

Should he leave? The same thought seemed to be passing through the other’s mind too. He was already prepared to grab his things and slink out of the room when the other, always the more sure of the two, spoke up.

“Can I… practice with you?”

 

He watched Kikwang stumble again on the same move.

“You’re putting your foot too far forwards when you’re finishing the turn,” Hyunseung said quietly.

Kikwang paused for a second before nodding. He tried again, and stopped gracefully in front of the mirror, perfectly balanced.

“Thanks,” he cast an eye on Hyunseung, who simply bowed his head and stepped towards the stereo.

Before he could start the music again, the other spoke up.

“During the pre-chorus, the dance looks a little less robotic if you move your hips like this,” he demonstrated quickly, “I know it’s not actually in the choreography but…”

He flushed a little as Hyunseung stared at him.

“It was just a little tip,” he said defensively.

To his surprise, Hyunseung laughed.

“Who would have thought you would be the one to help me with my style?”

Kikwang cracked a smile.

“And you with my technique?”

“Guess we’re not too different after all.”

They grinned at each other. The music started again, and for once, they matched perfectly.

 

Hyunseung sat cross-legged on the practice room floor, his fingers toying with the cap on his water bottle. Kikwang had left a while ago, a small smile on his lips and a tentative promise to dance together again. Despite the large chasm that still lurked between them, he felt like this afternoon had made a little progress in closing the gap.

He jumped as he heard the door slam open. He lifted his head to see Yoseob striding across the room towards him. The latter stopped a few feet away.

“You.”

He pointed a finger.

“Doojoon told me that he talked to you. He told me you looked upset.”

Yoseob was never the type to hold back his feelings. Whatever he wanted to say usually came spilling out. This was one of those times.

“What gives you the right to be upset? How dare you? You think we haven’t given you the chance the make amends? We’ve been trying to be supportive for years and you haven’t even spared us the least bit of attention. But now, now that disbandment is practically inevitable, you decide to start caring about our future? Now? Beast has felt more like five than six for a while, and you know it. What makes you think you can come wedge yourself back into the group you gave up on a long time ago? Do you think we’ll just pretend the last few years never happened, that there isn’t a wall thick enough to survive cannons between us, that we’ll just let you back in without a thought? Because we won’t. You’ve got everything, the talent, the looks, but you don’t… you don’t…”

He stopped.

“I don’t deserve it,” Hyunseung finished for him.

They stared at each other.

“Not after what you put us through,” Yoseob said softly.

“I know. Believe me, I know and I’m sorry.”

Hyunseung took a breath and awkwardly patted the floor beside him. Yoseob shifted his weight from one foot to the other indecisively before pushing forward to come sit beside him.

“I want you to know that it was never my intention to hurt any of you. I loved, and still love Beast. Music will always be my one and only passion, dance will always be the thing that makes me happiest. I’ve known that since ever, but once my dad died, it just seemed obvious to push everything away. Caring about something was too much work. There were two options, tending to my grief or tending to my passion. And grief was so much easier to nurture,” he pulled his knees up to his chest, “I guess that thought never really went away.”

“Hyunseung…”

“I’m not trying to worm my way back in. I know that my position has long since disappeared. And I’ve come to accept it. I just want to make sure that my teammates can have a long career that they can look back on with pride.”

Yoseob smiled sadly.

“So you’re not trying to join us again?”

Hyunseung choked out a bitter laugh.

“Maybe if the circumstances were different, but as it stands now, no. Beast is no longer a name for me to hold.”

“Well, to be honest, we’ve been thinking of letting it go as well,” Yoseob admitted.

“What?”

“There’s no way we’re ever going to get what we want if we stay here,” he continued, “We’ve always wanted to come out with our own music, but it’s already been years since the company has promised us freedom and given us nothing. So we want to leave. All of us together.”

“Why don’t you?”

Yoseob glanced at him.

“You’ve seen how it works. We’re just a source of income, so they won’t let us leave that easily. They’ll probably make us empty promises, and if we don’t accept them, they’ll take it to court. And you’ve seen those groups that get caught in lawsuits for years without ever winning or losing. If they find out we want to start making music outside of the company, they’ll do everything to make sure we’re as restrained as possible. We might not be able to perform on music shows, we might be banned from any TV stations, they could even take ownership of our name so that we won’t be able to promote with it.”

“No more Beast?”

“No more Beast,” he affirmed, “So you see, everything can change. It’s a terrifying thought.”

There was silence as Hyunseung tried to gather the right words together.

“Even… even if you can no longer call yourselves Beast, know that you have fans that will follow you to the end of the world. And leaving the company doesn’t mean you’re leaving behind your talent. They can’t take that from you. There is no doubt in my mind that you’ll make it, no matter the obstacles that may come. You’ll find your way,” he said softly.

Yoseob took his hand, surprising him.

“Thanks,” he said.

He looked at Hyunseung.

“I just wish I knew if you’d be okay too.”

 

Hyunseung wondered how he ended up near the production and recording studios. He didn’t come here often, the blank partition intimidated him too much and he always left feeling drained. He was about to turn back when he noticed a lone figure hunched in his chair inside one of the rooms, and Hyunseung realized why his feet had subconsciously brought him here. He knocked on the door before he could stop to think.

Junhyung jumped in surprise and spun around. He looked through the clear glass and knitted his eyebrows together in confusion when he saw who was there. He waved him in cautiously.

Hyunseung opened the door.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

They stared at each other in silence. Hyunseung fiddled with the hem of his shirt.

“So, uh, are you busy?”

Junhyung shook his head, turning back to his computer.

“I’m just trying to turn this song into something the company would approve. It doesn’t seem like it’s really working though. Guess I’ll have to scrap it. Again.”

Hyunseung could hear the disappointment and the resentment in his voice, as well as the underlying tone of defeat.

“Did you want anything?” Junhyung asked him.

Hyunseung hesitated. He wanted to say no and leave, but something stopped him. He took in the way Junhyung avoided his eyes, the way both of them angled their bodies away from each other, the way he stayed rooted to his spot, having not taken a step into the room despite standing there for a good moment.

“What happened to us?”

Hyunseung surprised both Junhyung and himself with his question. Their relationship was a topic they had tip-toed around for years, neither one of them really willing to address it. But why not add one more confrontation to a day already packed with emotional encounters?

Junhyung didn’t seem to know where to look. Hyunseung awkwardly shifted his weight from foot to foot as the silence stretched on. He flushed, aware that he had put the other on the spot, and was about to excuse himself when Junhyung spoke up.

“What happened? We drifted apart, I guess.”

He looked down at his hands.

There was more to say, as there had always been, but instead of relenting and leaving the other alone, Hyunseung took a step forward. He shut the door behind him. Now was not the time to continue putting things off.

“But why?” he asked.

Junhyung was surprised to still see him there. Obviously neither of them were ready for this conversation, but they were going to have it anyway.

“I was stupid,” Junhyung said, running a hand over his face, “I thought things were going to be okay.”

Hyunseung made a noise of confusion.

“After your father died…”

Junhyung looked up at him, gauging his reaction, but he only nodded for him to continue.

“After that, I didn’t know how to approach you anymore. You were more reserved, more closed off. I gave you some space, because I thought that was what you wanted. I was sure you would come back to us sooner or later. But now I realize how naïve I was. How could I have ever thought that you would be able to smile again after that? I didn’t know at the time. It’s one of my biggest regrets.”

Hyunseung sucked in a breath.

“I should have given you the support you needed. When I realized it was too late to repair the damage. I’m sorry.”

Hyunseung hated to think about that year. It was horrible and it sent him spiraling down so far that most days he couldn’t be bothered to open his eyes. He spent a lot of time in the dark, with no one but himself as company. But he couldn’t remember whether it was he who pushed others away or if others just stopped coming. What he did know was that by the time he got out of his funk, his relationships were in shambles, and he didn’t have the strength to pick up the pieces.

“It’s okay,” he said, “I never expected anyone to come save me, you know. It was something that only I could deal with. But…”

Junhyung quirked an eyebrow.

“But?”

“But I missed you,” he said lamely.

Junhyung cracked a smile.

“I missed you too.”

There’s something in his words that say he didn’t mean just during that time. The tension finally dissipated as Hyunseung took a few steps closer and Junhyung stood up from his chair. They met somewhere halfway, their arms encircling each other as they each let out a breathy laugh.

It was obvious that this was unfamiliar to both of them as they clumsily stumbled around, but it was warm and comforting so neither of them complained.

As Hyunseung pulled back, he realized that this was what he would miss the most, not just with Junhyung but with all the others too; this small sanctuary that they could always find in each other.

 

Hyunseung and Junhyung parted ways in front of their company building, which had by now turned dark and silent. Junhyung left him with a small wave as he walked away.

Hyunseung stayed there for a while, under the darkening sky. He felt as if his body had become ten times lighter. Of course there was no way this one day of effort had bridged the tremendous gap between him and his members, but he was sure that he had just laid down the first plank. There was just one person left.

As he walked, he wondered if Dongwoon would be too bothered if he showed up at his door. Not wanting to arrive empty handed, he stopped at a nearby convenience store and picked up some of the other’s favorite snacks.

He arrived at Dongwoon’s apartment with a bag full of food and a pounding heart.

“Hey,” he said when the door swung open.

Dongwoon looked surprised to see him.

“Hey! What, uh, what are you doing here?”

Hyunseung just shrugged and held up his bag.

“Just walking around. I have food though.”

The other’s face lit up when he caught sight of what was inside, and he stepped aside to let him in. The apartment was dark and the only thing that saved him from tripping over the objects laying around was the glow from the TV. Dongwoon had already settled himself onto his couch and was currently helping himself to a bag of chips, so Hyunseung made himself comfortable on the other end. They watched the screen in silence for a few moments, neither of them wanting, or even knowing how to start the conversation.

“So,” Dongwoon cleared his throat, turning his head to face Hyunseung, “I heard you’ve been talking to the others.”

Hyunseung nodded.

“I know my timing is really late, but I really needed to make amends before everything, you know, comes to an end.”

His words had some sort of finality to them, and the dark room only made them seem more ominous.

“You’re making it sound like we’re never going to meet again. You know we never hated you, right? Sure, we were pissed, and rightfully so, but we could never hate you.”

Dongwoon offered him the bag of chips, as if it would prove his point.

“I am sorry,” he said, “I never wanted for any of this to happen. Being with Beast and keeping us together was always my top priority. Until it wasn’t anymore.”

“Hey, it’s alright. The road of life is long and hard, and it leads to different places for all of us, but I can guarantee that we all are grateful to have at least walked a little part of it with you.”

Hyunseung could only smile.

“What about you?” he asked, “How are you?”

“I’m doing fine. Everyone else is stressing about this contract, but honestly, I think we’ll be okay. No matter what happens, I think we’ll be okay.”

Hyunseung thought about Beast, about this group of people that had achieved their dreams by his side. He thought about Doojoon and his leadership, about Junhyung and his quiet confidence, about Yoseob and his unwavering strength, about Kikwang and his never ending passion, about Dongwoon and his ability to make everything better. He remembered it all, and in his heart, he knew.

“I think you’ll be okay too.”

 

Later, when they all met again to discuss contracts, Hyunseung no longer felt ashamed when he refused renewal. He smiled as he signed on the dotted line, especially when Doojoon leaned across the table to ask for extra copies of the resignment contract.

 

There were a lot of things Jang Hyunseung regretted doing in his life. Joining Beast was not one of them. Leaving Beast and watching them be revived again wouldn’t be one of them either.


End file.
